ATTEMPT RELOADED!!

Dear Friends,


Sorry for the delay in continuing the story. Well, anyways, I am continuing the story now. Hope you like the third edition of my "Pursuit to Malluness"

So I reached home having spent Rs.1500, and tried  the swimming cap along with the goggles. It was a sight to behold! Me in formal wear, tie and a swimming cap on head and swimming goggles on my eyes and no water in sight! Thankfully there were no paparazzis around who would have taken my snap. I can see some people grinning and thinking " Dude, paparazzis only hound the celebrity". My answer is " I am a celebrity, ( in my house) "

Well, I go to sleep thinking that tomorrow is the day when I go and conquer the waters and come out like Mark Spitz or our very own Mihir Sen who was the first Asian to swim the the English Channel ( why do they call it the English Channel??? think think. ok don't smile. no no, now don't laugh!! ). Actually to think of it, I am a fish ( piscean) and i am a mallu, that should have made me an incredible swimmer,but heck no, i am not! Such a shame!! No, not on me. On the sport of swimming for having lost out such an incredible combo!!

So, the foolproof alarm kicks me out at 6:30am next day early morning.( why are you scratching your head on reading the word fool proof alarm?, pls refer to my post titled "Attempt" to know what am i talking about). I reach the swimming facility byt 6:45 and look for my favourite  Mr. Big Moushtache Guy, but he was not there today. Anyways, i was not sad as he was not the reason of my being there so early in the morning. I drive in through the gate, take the right and then park my car on the left and walk towards the swimming facility. looked if i could find the father son duo but did not find them. had a plastic bag with my towel, my swimming trunks. Entered the facility and lo and behold, who do i find here! No, no no. not Mr. Not So Big moushtache guy. ( sorry poonam, will think of a better name next time), but our very own Mr.Big Moushtache Guy. He said "saar, faast day?" I replied yes. He opened a register titled 7 am and asked me to write my name, some no on the card and sign. Then i was instructed, "you can come whatever time you want to , but you will have to sign only in this register. don't create multiple entries". Need to speak to our access control guys about this simple logic!!  Well, entry done, and then shown the way towards the men's changing room.

Reach the men's section, take off my sandals, get into the change room and then ( ok, i am not describing what i did then. This site is visited by kids also!! ). The first shower killed any bit of sleep that i had in me. It was damn cold. So now, out of the shower room, with the swimming cap on and the googles on the swimming cap, i looked every bit of an ace swimmer except for the actual part of swimming. So I walk towards the coach who told me that i won't drown in the pool because it is only 3 feet and greet him in my most cheerful voice " Good morning coach" and he deadpans" Get into the water and walk 10 laps". Hang on, did i just hear him right. I had woken up at 5:30 in the morning to get the form, paid Rs.500  for the fees, took stuff worth Rs.1500 to learn SWIMMING IN WATER and not WALKING IN WATER!! I, put up a mask of somebody who has not heard what he said and ask him " so what do i now?. He deadpans again " walk 10 laps in the water. Damn it man, He actually said it!! I am sure his logic is that when aeroplanes have to run before it flies, why can't i walk before i swim!! Well, whatever it was, i had no option but to get into the errrrrrrrrrrrrr..... cold water and actually walk 10 laps. Felt so foolish doing it. But forgot it because i was smiling looking at the other 15 odd people who were doing some form of water splashing on each other game, which i later understood as they were all in the 2nd day of swimming. So tomorrow i also will be like this and somebody else will have a grin on his face watching me do it.


Once i walk for 10 laps, i ask him now what, he tells me hold your breath and go underwater and release it as fast as you can. eh??? if i have to release it as fast as i can, why bother going underwater? anyways, did that for 10 mins. man it is tough. Ok, sir, done, now what, he says now take a deep breath and go underwater and hold as long as you can. This was ok, i had done it before. I do it twice and the coach says, hold it for atleast 1 minute.Sure, I go underwater, came up feeling that i would have spent at least 5 mins. Coach says, 40 seconds. try harder. Damn!!

Ok coach, 1 minute done, now what, Coach says " now hold the railing and try to float. I felt like I was the genie from the magical lamp and the coach, Alladin. He kept giving me work and i kept doing it! Anyways, how do i float? he says hold the railing and then  let loose. I do dat and taste the chlorine water and come out of the water bring along with me lot of bubbles like a popped soda bottle. He says you are on the right track ! Right track to wat?? tasting the water of the pool?? damn, i try again, same result. try again, i just don't feel like floating. look around and i saw one more soul desperate to float! the only thing that was floating was his bum which was visible out, the rest of the body under water. This soul comes out of the water like a submarine and gives me a big broad smile and asks me, did i float? i did not know what to say, so i said " partly" did not want to be rude and tell him, "some part of you did float". I think i encouraged him because then he started giving me advice on how to float! Just put your head in, and you will. I wanted to tell him that if that is the technique that he adopts, then i know what will float?

Anyways, i do what the coach says and keep going in and out like submarine and suddenly i felt light. a very uplifting feeling engulfed me! no, i did not attain salvation. and some of you peverts, stop thinking of anything else.I was actually floating!!!! YIPEEE!!! Mera paisa vasool ho gaya!!!

Rest in the next blog. I am still under that magical feeling of actually floating!!!

Attempt Continues....

This is to all those people who liked the first post on the attempt to have some quality of a Mallu.

So I had taken the forms and gone home on 5th Feb 2011.

I reach home and in the heat of things and excitement, fill in all the details, stick my wanted photograph ( or as my team calls as "mickey mouse" photograph) and keep them ready. I already have got the doctor's certificate certifying that I am alive and kicking. Thank you Doctor for reaffirming the faith that am still alive, still kicking or not is debatable.

So it is Monday and I leave from office a bit early to go to the bank for some work and also to submit this form. I reach the stadium at around 6 and who do I meet there. come on guess guess... yeah, yeah, you are right!! Mr.Big Moustache!! remember him from my last post. yeah, the same one who gave me the once over and asked me to " go, sit in the queue". This time also he gave me the once over. Man, this guy is consistent. I decide to test his abilities of reading other people's mind. I think of some cuss words for him fearing that he might just pull me out of the car and beat me to pulp if those qualities actually exists in him. I fearfully await his response or reaction, but thankfully for me, he did not do anything which would suggest that he has read my mind. Or maybe those qualities only come into force in the morning time and not in evenings..

He told me that you cannot go inside and come back tomorrow. On enquiring the reason, he told me that it is over for today. I told him in my most confident voice " but I was asked to come in the evening". I think that did the trick, he opened the gate. Was it some password that I just blurted out???. hmmmm.

Ok, so I drive in through the gate and take the first right and park my car and get out and take the forms and walk down a nice clean path. I ask a father and son duo who looked as if they were chased by a mad dog ( later realised that I also would have the same look once I start to learn swimming ), where is the swimming facility. The father gave me a look which was like " which language are you speaking?", luckily the son understood and told me go straight and the first left. Ok thank you, and off I go. On the way till the swimming pool, I see lot of people looking at me and smiling. I felt good and smiled rite back at them. Later i realised it was not my face or my million dollar smile, but the piece of cloth hanging from my neck. Yes , the Tie, remember it was Monday??.

So I reach the Swimming pool facility and again i am stopped by Mr. Not so Big moustache security guy. " saar, you have to come tomorrow." I try it again, yeah, the confident voice thing" but I have been asked to come in the evening". The password works once again and i get to go to the coach who is sitting there and is taking the forms and the money. I go and stand in the queue or what looked like a queue. 2 girls come after me but get to give their form before me.Magic?? No! Simple, don't follow the rule. The tribe of Pseudo Educated morons is spreading and spreading fast!

I finally get a chance to give my form and money to the coach. I ask him ,when can I start, he says tomorrow morning. i ask him can i get to see the pool. he says sure, take off ur shoes and and walk in.  I take off my shoes as if getting into a temple and then come to the place where the swimming pool has been dug. there are 2 pools. One the Olympic size pool and the other pool which is for learners.

Joke: how many people in the bigger pool: 3 and guess how many people in the smaller pool: 20.
Bigger Joke: guess how many children in the bigger pool: 3 and guess how many children in the smaller pool: 0. Damn it Man!! i will be the 21st tomorrow in the smaller pool!!! shit shit shit!!!

I meet the instructer and ask him does he understand english, he replies in telegu No. I ask him do u speak hindi, he says a little. I said as long as you understand that i am trying to tell you that i am drowining, He tells me coolly, " saar, you will not drown in that pool .it is only 3 feet deep" Damn again!!

I go back and ask the senior coach, where can i get some swimming gear, he says i have it. He takes me inside a room, gives me 2 swimming trunks, a pair of swimming goggles and a swimming cap. Fantastic. Rs.1500 ( 500 as fees and 1000 for the rest of the stuff) already spent without even putting a toe in water!!

I head home resolving that i better get the ROI for this investment!!

I know you guys are gonna curse me for making you all read so much but still not come to the real thing!! Patience, Patience!!

The Attempt!!

A typical conversation that happens with me almost always.

"Hi, My name is Vinesh"
" Hi Vinesh, So where are you from, North Indian"?
" No, I am from Kerala, Vinesh Nair"
" What, are you a Mallu??"
" Yeah, I am one"
"Do you Smoke?"
"No"
"Do you drink?"
"No"
"Do you swim?"
"Errrr, I can paddle like a dog, but I am afraid normally people don't call that swimming"
" hmmmm, you don't have a moustache and curly hair, you don't smoke, you don't drink, nor can you swim and you don't sound like a Mallu. Interesting!!"

Now, I am not sure whether to take that as a compliment or as a complaint!!

I decided to do something about it. And no, I am not going to grow a moustache or getting curls in my hair, I am not taking the plunge into the world of smoke and nor am I going to drown myself into the intoxicating world of drinks, neither am I going to roll my "R" and my "L" the mallu way. So, what do I do so that atleast I have one thing in common with my Mallu brethen??

Yeah, you guessed it right. I have decided to have enough of paddling like a dog and do something which closely resembles swimming. So off I go in my search of a place where they can teach people like me who have suddenly gained too much inertia in the body and can cause lot of water displacement when such a body comes into contact with water at a certain velocity! ( phew, just recollecting my physics classes)

Good news awaited me. I had a olympic size swimming pool available very near to my house.( to be honest, the very mention of Olympic size swimming pool was playing on my minds whether to go or not). On further enquiry, found out that they don't allow paddlers like me anywhere near that pool. I was disappointed. No, not because I won't get to enter the pool, but because I won't be able to even see it!!

The Gachibowli Stadium which houses the swimming pool along with other sporting facility, gives out only 200 forms for a month at 7am,on 5th of every month. I was told by lot of people to reach there early because there is quite a rush for these forms and also because summer is approaching. Having missed these deadlines consistenly for almost 3-4 months, I don't take any chance. I set a foolproof alarm( my wife). I was sure, she would be more than happy to kick me out of the house at an unearthly hour also.  Set other alarms as a back up option.

So on 5th morning, the foolproof alarm, manages to kick me out of the house by 5:30am. I think, come on, the forms will be given at 7am. Who on earth would come so early, the winter is still visible in the early mornings, to take the forms. It is ok to reach there by 6:30 and I will still be in the early 50s of the stipulated 200 forms. Anyways, I drive down, and in ten mins i reach the stadium. While I was parking my car, I could see lot of people sitting which seemed like a serpentine queue. I park my car, go to the Mr.Big Moustache security guard and asks " Bhaiya, form kaha milega". He gives me a once over and then says, pl go and sit in the queue. That was a first, always heard of " Go stand in the queue" but " sit in the queue???"". I am sure he would have been able to read my thoughts perfectly( thank god I did not think of any cuss words for him) because he told me," Sir, there are nos written on the pavement, pls go and sit on any no that is available. Ok, that explains the "sitting in the queue bit". So I go towards the place where I don't see people. On reaching closer to that place, I see, bottles, handkerchiefs, bags, and anything which seemed to tell that somebody has reserved the place..

So I move on and finally reach a place which seemed to be end of the line and I proudly plonk my prosterior on the lucky no.Having reached at 5:45am on a Saturday( 5th Feb, 2011), I was the no. 114. Yes, I was bloody 114.!! Damn it Man!!. By 6am, all 200 positions were taken. It was funny to see people sitting on those pavements waiting for the Coach to appear like a God, carrying the forms. By, 7am, the tension was palpable as people were seen to become impatient as if waiting for a train, whose arrival was announced some 10 mins ago. Some Pseudo Educated Morons- the tribe who are educated but are not literate at all, were seen moving around trying to grab a place,like the land sharks. So much for education!

Anyways, God ,I mean the Coach,appears at 7:05am carrying the prasad, I mean the forms. All devotees, I mean the people who have come for the forms, stand up in respect when they see God approaching them to give out the forms. God is suddenly angry and shouts on some devotees. The reason: Between no.1-10, there are 15 people.Hmmm..well we are known to an all accmodating country aren't we??. Thankfully God decides not to give forms for those land sharks who had accomodated themselves. I see God approaching me, but hey wait, he wants something from the devotees. oh ok, Rs.10 for the form. On receiving the form from God, I hand over Rs.10 to him, which he does not even look at, his followers take it from my hand, hand me a paper which says, that they are not responsible for any mishap when I swim.Hmmmm, not very encouraging!! Another card where I am supposed to stick my "Wanted" photo. They also want a birth certificate to know whether I am above 18 or not. I was over the top and took that as a compliment for my age defying looks, but then I realise that this is a common practice. Damn Damn Damn.!!

So I take the forms, and off I go home because I cannot submit it on that day and have to come back on either Monday or Tuesday.

The remaining part of me trying to have one quality of a mallu will continue in the next part!!

Love,

Social Recluse!!

Quiting!!

Quitting!

Why is it that quitting is always construed as a weakness! Ever noticed how people tell you " Don't ever quit", " Quiting is for sissies". " Winners never quit and quitters never win"

Thinking about it, is it really for the sissies? I have a different opinion. I believe it takes a lot of guts to quit, to let something go. Think about it.

We become so used to certain things that we find it tremely tough to let go of things. It could be a thing, a place, a habit, a person and most of the times a view. If you have a not so great habit of smoking, how many times have you actually thought of quitting but never been able to. How many times have you thought of quitting the habit of eating sweets or over indulging in shopping or for that matter quitting the job that you crib about every day!!!

It take a hell lot of courage and determination to quit the habit of smoking, of quitting the habit of over indulgence in shopping, of gorging on sweets or finally hearing the call of your heart and quiting the job to do something that you always wanted to do. We are so used to our comfort zones that we don't want to do anything that would bring us discomfort. And mind well, we do it even if the comfort zone that we currently are, is not really comfortable. But our defence is " A Known Devil is better than an Unknown one". " Atleast I know that this boss of mine is bad, who knows whether the rest will be worse than him/her or not".

People continue to live in relationships which have no future or for that matter any present also. They  don't live with each other, they act to tolerate each other, they have no common likes or even dislikes and yet they are together. Their interests, the way they think, the way they are,as individuals, are entirely different.  They know that they are not happy, nor are they keeping the other person happy but still they won't  quit.Why??? I will be the first in my family to get seperated, what will my parents say, what about the children, what will society say! All hogwash! The reason you are not quitting is because you are scared and now you have become used to the sad way of your life and that has become your comfort zone. You don't want to change that because that will mean getting out of your comfort zone!. Quitting is not easy, it is very tough!  If it was easy, they would have left each other long back.

Quiting a habit which is pulling you back from development, quiting from a relationship which has nothing but disharmony and acrimony, quitting from a job which does not do justice to your talent and hard work... Is quiting such a wrong thing afterall!!

Still believe that "Quitting is for losers!!??  Food for thought!!!