The Attempt!!

A typical conversation that happens with me almost always.

"Hi, My name is Vinesh"
" Hi Vinesh, So where are you from, North Indian"?
" No, I am from Kerala, Vinesh Nair"
" What, are you a Mallu??"
" Yeah, I am one"
"Do you Smoke?"
"No"
"Do you drink?"
"No"
"Do you swim?"
"Errrr, I can paddle like a dog, but I am afraid normally people don't call that swimming"
" hmmmm, you don't have a moustache and curly hair, you don't smoke, you don't drink, nor can you swim and you don't sound like a Mallu. Interesting!!"

Now, I am not sure whether to take that as a compliment or as a complaint!!

I decided to do something about it. And no, I am not going to grow a moustache or getting curls in my hair, I am not taking the plunge into the world of smoke and nor am I going to drown myself into the intoxicating world of drinks, neither am I going to roll my "R" and my "L" the mallu way. So, what do I do so that atleast I have one thing in common with my Mallu brethen??

Yeah, you guessed it right. I have decided to have enough of paddling like a dog and do something which closely resembles swimming. So off I go in my search of a place where they can teach people like me who have suddenly gained too much inertia in the body and can cause lot of water displacement when such a body comes into contact with water at a certain velocity! ( phew, just recollecting my physics classes)

Good news awaited me. I had a olympic size swimming pool available very near to my house.( to be honest, the very mention of Olympic size swimming pool was playing on my minds whether to go or not). On further enquiry, found out that they don't allow paddlers like me anywhere near that pool. I was disappointed. No, not because I won't get to enter the pool, but because I won't be able to even see it!!

The Gachibowli Stadium which houses the swimming pool along with other sporting facility, gives out only 200 forms for a month at 7am,on 5th of every month. I was told by lot of people to reach there early because there is quite a rush for these forms and also because summer is approaching. Having missed these deadlines consistenly for almost 3-4 months, I don't take any chance. I set a foolproof alarm( my wife). I was sure, she would be more than happy to kick me out of the house at an unearthly hour also.  Set other alarms as a back up option.

So on 5th morning, the foolproof alarm, manages to kick me out of the house by 5:30am. I think, come on, the forms will be given at 7am. Who on earth would come so early, the winter is still visible in the early mornings, to take the forms. It is ok to reach there by 6:30 and I will still be in the early 50s of the stipulated 200 forms. Anyways, I drive down, and in ten mins i reach the stadium. While I was parking my car, I could see lot of people sitting which seemed like a serpentine queue. I park my car, go to the Mr.Big Moustache security guard and asks " Bhaiya, form kaha milega". He gives me a once over and then says, pl go and sit in the queue. That was a first, always heard of " Go stand in the queue" but " sit in the queue???"". I am sure he would have been able to read my thoughts perfectly( thank god I did not think of any cuss words for him) because he told me," Sir, there are nos written on the pavement, pls go and sit on any no that is available. Ok, that explains the "sitting in the queue bit". So I go towards the place where I don't see people. On reaching closer to that place, I see, bottles, handkerchiefs, bags, and anything which seemed to tell that somebody has reserved the place..

So I move on and finally reach a place which seemed to be end of the line and I proudly plonk my prosterior on the lucky no.Having reached at 5:45am on a Saturday( 5th Feb, 2011), I was the no. 114. Yes, I was bloody 114.!! Damn it Man!!. By 6am, all 200 positions were taken. It was funny to see people sitting on those pavements waiting for the Coach to appear like a God, carrying the forms. By, 7am, the tension was palpable as people were seen to become impatient as if waiting for a train, whose arrival was announced some 10 mins ago. Some Pseudo Educated Morons- the tribe who are educated but are not literate at all, were seen moving around trying to grab a place,like the land sharks. So much for education!

Anyways, God ,I mean the Coach,appears at 7:05am carrying the prasad, I mean the forms. All devotees, I mean the people who have come for the forms, stand up in respect when they see God approaching them to give out the forms. God is suddenly angry and shouts on some devotees. The reason: Between no.1-10, there are 15 people.Hmmm..well we are known to an all accmodating country aren't we??. Thankfully God decides not to give forms for those land sharks who had accomodated themselves. I see God approaching me, but hey wait, he wants something from the devotees. oh ok, Rs.10 for the form. On receiving the form from God, I hand over Rs.10 to him, which he does not even look at, his followers take it from my hand, hand me a paper which says, that they are not responsible for any mishap when I swim.Hmmmm, not very encouraging!! Another card where I am supposed to stick my "Wanted" photo. They also want a birth certificate to know whether I am above 18 or not. I was over the top and took that as a compliment for my age defying looks, but then I realise that this is a common practice. Damn Damn Damn.!!

So I take the forms, and off I go home because I cannot submit it on that day and have to come back on either Monday or Tuesday.

The remaining part of me trying to have one quality of a mallu will continue in the next part!!

Love,

Social Recluse!!